BlackRoseImmortal

Life is so dull right now. I want to feel better soon fhjdsafs.

Anyways. Good shows coming up! One of my really good friends is picking me and a couple of other people up in a limo and we are gonna go to the He Is Legend show on May 27th. I'm so excited! Oh yeah, and before that, on May 20th, is Skafest '06! Amazing. Nothing too much happening in my life right now, so I don't know what to write about. Mmhmm. Oh yeah, May 15th is my birthday. I'm excited. Woooo!

       Many people think they know what depression is. Sitting in a corner and crying. Feeling sad. Feeling worthless. That's only a small fraction of what depression truly is. I know what it is like to be depressed because I suffer from severe depression at the moment. I have also developed a panic disorder. I feel like sharing this with all of you because you guys are like family to me, and I feel like venting. Depression hurts more physically than it does emotionally. Imagine living every second of your life with these symptoms: Fast heartbeat, trouble breathing, no energy, dizziness, trouble concentrating, feeling like your not in control of your life, twitching, shakiness, and many more. It's so hard to live a normal life like that. Add a panic disorder, and that's the recipe to no social life.

       I sometimes (never in school) have panic attacks. A panic attack is a period of extreme panic that lasts 10 minutes or less where you cannot breathe and you are crying incontrollably. You may also be dizzy, nauseated, shaky, lightheaded, hurtful to yourself, and have uncontrollable anger.You also have pains in your chest, like someone is stabbing you. It's a horrible experience and I hate it when it happens. One time I had a panic attack while driving. It was the worse experience ever.

       Whenever my friends ask me, "hey you wanna go to a show" or "hey, want to come over?" I immediately freak out and deny them. I feel like, if I leave my house, I'll have a panic attack or, I'll become sick. And the thing is, I cannot control my thoughts. I'm currently in therapy, but I'm showing no progress. If I start to feel a little better, something comes along and ruins everything. I haven't been 'out' in a long time. School is especially hard for me. Sitting in a quiet classroom really makes me panic and I start to freak out. I even become really anxious during lunch. I don't know why. It just happens and I can't control it or calm down. And the thing is, most people don't even know I have this disorder. Why? Because I am good at hiding it. I have learned to be anxious without causing a scene.

       I'm seeing my therapist today and thursday, and if she sees no progress then I'm sent to a psychiatrist and put on Xanax or Zoloft or Impramimine. And I've heard so many amazing stories about how the medicine calms you down and lifts your spirits up. There are some side effects, but I'm willing to sacrifice anything just to feel better. I'm a freaking teenager! I should be able to go out there and have fun without worrying about getting sick.

       I just wanted to let everyone know my experiances with depression and give an insight of what it feels like to have it. I'm not 'emo', because usually people who label themselves that are NOT depressed, they just fake it. Also, I am not suicidal at all, because people who are depressed and commit suicide are usually have a weak soul, and I do not have a weak soul. In fact, I have a very strong soul, and I believe I can pull through this with a little help from professionals. Thanks for reading.

 - Nick :D

»1:48 PM    »1 comments     »Send entry    

Posted by: Blackroseimmortal
Modified on May 1, 2006 at 1:51 PM

Who ever knew

Insanity could be caused by a hole in the ground

Where screams of those dying

Are the only melodious sound

And who ever knew

That a bird’s flight could be so soothing

When the only thing that’s constant

Is the constant shooting

And who ever knew

Life after war could be so severe

Every sound and touch brings back memories

To those trenches I once feared.

And who ever knew

I could never be repaired

My Sergeant Major would push me to the limit

And never even cared.

And who ever knew

Euthanasia could be so soothing

My mind is still stuck on war

My mind is still stuck on shooting

And who ever knew

Insanity could be caused by a hole in the ground

As I dangle from the canopy

Tranquility I found